BLOODLETTING

Yesterday I met with a friend.

We sat under a tree in front of the beach

Drank coffee.

Spoke of lovely things

 

Until

 

She felt a need to tell me

For my own good?

That my ‘reactivity’ the other week

Was too much for her

That I should get help

 

Of course, this triggered me.

Now I was speaking too loudly

and it was embarrassing!

 

I heard what she was saying…

I already knew

she couldn’t hold space for me.

Why do we always try to get blood from stones?

So we can keep bleeding?

 

The dynamic that I cultivated between us

Was never set up for that.

I was always the caretaker…

never allowed to be needy.

 

I’m sure she doesn’t see

How she provoked me.

How she judged and shamed me.

 

A fearful mind cannot honour feelings.

 

As a child, I took this in

Became the scapegoat

Carried all the pain.

 

And,

 

I am so immensely grateful for this experience

with my friend today…

 

Because while she got up and walked away

I stayed with me

I did not squash down my expression for her comfort and ease.

I did not reject or abandon myself.

I stayed with me

My own glorious bloodletting.

 

What do I expect from someone

who has made an art

Of running from these things?

 

The hypocrisy, the irony,

The ignorance…

When she doesn’t get all the times

I’ve faced her violent, belligerent and ugly demons

Enduring her false blood

red wine raging.

 

At least I’m trying to get mine out

Not pushing them further in.

 

Yesterday, I met with a friend.

We were going to retrieve her wings.

But we had left them in a place we were not content to be.

So we walked along the beach.

And I told her the very same thing

I had told my other friend.

 

And…

To my relief

she listened

And I dropped in..

Past the anger

Past the anguish

Down, down, down

To the grief.

To the very bloodroot of things.

 

I shed a tear…

I felt safe to be seen.

Then… a miracle

The physical pain drained from my body…

No head doctor EVER brought me to this

The Holy Grail

Simple, unadulterated alchemy.

 

To my first friend,

I love you dearly.

Your magic, your wonder, your imagination, your creativity.

Gorgeous drama queen…

 

But we are moving in different veins

and different arteries.

I get you don’t want my blood on your shoes or on your rug

It shows up what’s underneath

And that’s all too much for you…

 

And,

I am done

with watching YOU bleed

Internally.

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