I put him on a pedestal initially because he seemed so powerful and manly in the world. I felt that for once I would be held and supported by this energy. I surrendered to him completely.
What I didn’t realise was that he did not have the same values or desires as me. I had visions of evolving as a soul with a true partner standing beside me, A man who was committed as I am to burning through anything that arises in the container of relating. In the beginning, he said he was up for this. He either lied to make me stay with him, or he did not have the capacity or willingness to meet me but never admitted it.
I did not see, at the time, that he tightly controlled his world and that part of his so-called power came from his self-centered, self-serving tendencies. That he was a ruthless, commanding captain of his own ship and that, for whatever reason, a woman would only be in his life to bolster and feed that construct, and she would never really be more than an accessory, a compliment to him. He was not motivated by wanting to ‘see into himself’ and evolve through relating. He was not the type of man willing to make those sort of sacrifices required in true partnership (as I see it).
He paid a lot of lip service, complimenting me on my beauty and how attractive he found me. Buying me things often and taking me on trips. I see now that this was all routine and not because I meant something to him. And, I admit, I lapped it up. To be fed in that way sustained and fulfilled me to a high degree.
I was appreciated and admired only for what I was to him, not for who I was and who I might be in my own right, and that (unconsciously) created a raging battle within me. I had become dependant on his attention. It makes me cringe to think of it. I have to face very uncomfortable places in myself to own this. The bottom line is he showed up all of the areas I already felt valueless and insignificant.
I was drawn into his atmosphere like a planet to a central sun, and it took immense strength to reclaim my power. I pulled back into my center and tried to regain my footing. Of course, he felt this energetically. Rather than supporting my empowerment, like someone who truly cared would do, he merely found a replacement and flung me out of his orbit with such abrupt callousness that it’s taken me years to recover. (https://thesoundofhervoice.com/2015/08/05/letting-go/).
As much as he betrayed me, I robbed myself. By selling out my core values to meet the needs caused by my hidden wounding. The force of which magnetised and bound me to him, a man who could never meet me as an equal or appreciate the true me.
When I got to a point where I could step back from my own pain enough, I took a good look at him. I realised that at some point in his life, his public image, his sexual prowess and worldly success will no longer sustain him. That he will either have to turn inward and face himself or endure the relentless suffering of not acknowledging his weaknesses, darkness, his humanity.
Maybe, one day, he will even realise what he lost when he let me go. Because now, having found my self, I genuinely believe he missed a great opportunity. A partner who could really love and hold him while he traversed that inner terrain and faced his mortality. Either way, I know it will be profoundly challenging for him. I have discovered that compassion is one of my highest values, and when I see him now, this is what I feel.
I had a vision this morning. My former lover was kneeling before me, and I kissed the top of his head. Then, like when she grips his hand to stop him from falling into the depths of the icy, raging sea in the Titanic movie, I knew I could not hold him, but my heart would go on.