My Mind Bullied My Beautiful Body Until I Made It Stop

I was born with a wild instinct that was strong enough not to be crushed by human domesticity and disconnect. Even as a young child, I was acutely aware that what my body was trying to tell me with symptoms and what the Doctor was saying was not necessarily the same thing.

My innate trust of nature’s intelligence helped me to survive on the streets of Melbourne when I was thrown out of home by my alcoholic mother at 16, and later on, prompted me to independently study natural medicine and to birth my second child at home.

I’m sure that my dysfunctional upbringing and the resulting low self-esteem didn’t help, but hitting puberty in the early 80’s when the cultural influence and its focus on image, sex appeal, and ‘power suits’ for women did not support any sense of true worth for ‘who’ I am.

I remember being stared at when I was younger and while I liked the attention, there was something about it that really disturbed me, and that was being seen for what I was, not who I was. After I turned 40 something I started to experience a sense of ‘invisibility’, and I felt a strange combination of grief and relief. I’d dip in and out of thoughts like “oh, here it is, the point where my desirability is no more”, then the consequential fear; “no one will want me, and I will be alone for the rest of my life”, and “oh, finally, I don’t have to ‘perform’ like a circus monkey for your entertainment anymore!”.

Popular media coerces and conditions us to look at ourselves through other people’s eyes, manipulating our need for belonging and connection.  Just like the elephant chained to a large tree as a baby, we are now grown and don’t realise our own strength to break the chain.

I was looking in the mirror one day, picking myself to pieces and somehow became aware that underlying this compulsive behaviour was my fear of rejection. The whole construct collapsed as I realised the obvious:  I was doing what I was socially conditioned to do, I was rejecting myself based on harsh judgements of my own body and not valuing who I am… How could I expect others to really see and appreciate who I am if I couldn’t do that for myself?

When my kundalini awakened over 6 years ago, I became even more intimately aware of my body’s responses and reactions to not only what happens to it physically but emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I now monitor my own perception. Any thought/feeling that honours me registers in my body as a feeling of relaxation and wellbeing which ripples out into the world and is reflected back. My body is my barometer for life and how I’m meeting it. To criticise it would be to shoot the messenger. To love and honour my body enhances its responsiveness and my ability to receive and experience pleasure ❤

One Comment Add yours

  1. Noel says:

    You are always worthy of considerable consideration…!

    Like

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